I once heard a writer/artist recount the tale of how they had lost everything earlier in life through mostly mundane circumstances largely involving their employer. In the end they lost their job, home, vehicle, and partner, and were literally left on the street. They described the surreal feeling of laying on a park bench trying to sleep when it started to rain on them, and they realized that despite having nothing, the next day would come and they would have to do something. The end they had feared was the end of their comfort and societal protections, but not the end of them. They found that at their "end" there was no fear left.
I've felt roughly how you describe before. I've had the desire to throw in the towel before it could be thrown in for me. At that time I doubt I could have been convinced of the value in requiring them to do that if they really want it. To deny them the peace of mind and clean hands by sinking into despair myself. It wasn't until years later, when I started to make friends that could understand me, and cared about me, that it started to click for me. I had spent a life, hampered by the trauma programming I had experienced, taking up as little space as possible... Both to not be perceived, and also to not be an impediment to others. In reality there wasn't any need for either.
I relate to Vect in some ways. I've described myself as a being of spite for quite a while, and I want to hold onto my friends and protect them as best as I can for as long as I can. And as Vect is your creation, and a part of you, I know that you also understand the sentiment, even if it feels so far away right now. If it's over, then there's nothing left to fear, and you can do anything.
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branchandroot
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Date: 2024-11-06 08:45 pm (UTC)I once heard a writer/artist recount the tale of how they had lost everything earlier in life through mostly mundane circumstances largely involving their employer. In the end they lost their job, home, vehicle, and partner, and were literally left on the street. They described the surreal feeling of laying on a park bench trying to sleep when it started to rain on them, and they realized that despite having nothing, the next day would come and they would have to do something. The end they had feared was the end of their comfort and societal protections, but not the end of them. They found that at their "end" there was no fear left.
I've felt roughly how you describe before. I've had the desire to throw in the towel before it could be thrown in for me. At that time I doubt I could have been convinced of the value in requiring them to do that if they really want it. To deny them the peace of mind and clean hands by sinking into despair myself. It wasn't until years later, when I started to make friends that could understand me, and cared about me, that it started to click for me. I had spent a life, hampered by the trauma programming I had experienced, taking up as little space as possible... Both to not be perceived, and also to not be an impediment to others. In reality there wasn't any need for either.
I relate to Vect in some ways. I've described myself as a being of spite for quite a while, and I want to hold onto my friends and protect them as best as I can for as long as I can. And as Vect is your creation, and a part of you, I know that you also understand the sentiment, even if it feels so far away right now. If it's over, then there's nothing left to fear, and you can do anything.
Love you Phorm. Please don't give up.